


A Failed Overdose and a Chain of Events

by galactic_duck



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: I Tried, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2020-12-09 09:01:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 13,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20992208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galactic_duck/pseuds/galactic_duck
Summary: In which Connor is mentally unstable and Evan is gay.(I wrote this a while ago (first published on Wattpad) so it's garbage but all of my stuff is so whatever)





	1. kindergarten Boyfriends

Evan had told his mother everything. Of course, not even he knew he was gay, so she couldn't exactly blame him for that. For as long as he could remember, it had been like that. Even before his dad left, they had always been close. Connor envied him. His parents had one concern: Zoe. His little sister had decided to ruin everything. It started back in daycare. He and Evan were five years old, Zoe tagging along at age four. They were hanging out outside. Connor had always preferred the phrase hanging out to recess. Then again, he had always been the odd one out.

The three of them were alone, friendless. Zoe could've easily found a friend, sure, but Connor found out later that his dad told her to keep an eye on him. God, wasn't _he_ the older brother?

***

"Zoe, just leave us alone!" Connor shouted at his little sister.

"I'm being quiet, like you said! Evan!" Zoe turned to the boy in blue to stop the argument.

"F-find your own f-friends, Zoe," Evan said. He looked down at the mulch under the jungle gym. She left at his request.

"Evan, do you want a girlfriend?" Connor asked his friend, scooting next to him. Evan's legs were swinging next to Connor's.

"No. Why?"

"Jared keeps talking about it." There was silence, and they had always been happy with those moments of silence.

"G-girls are...," he took a moment to find the right words. Connor was used to this sort of thing happening. "Gross."

"Guess you're right."

"Kids! It's almost time to go home!" The teacher called them inside. Both boys hopped down, but Connor took his hand before they got farther.

"If we don't get girlfriends, let's be boyfriends."

"Okay!" Evan paused for a moment. He had seen his mom and dad kiss sometimes. Sometimes his mom even kissed him. So he decided to kiss Connor.

"We gotta go, Evan."

When they turned around, Zoe was there, waiting for Connor to wait for their Dad. "I'm telling!"

*******

"How was school, you two?" Connor's dad picked up Zoe. Connor followed them to the car.

"It was fun!" Their dad put on her seat belt and got into the driver's seat. Connor did it himself, feeling giddy from Evan's kiss.

"What kind of fun stuff happened?" On the road, the two kids were looked at in a rearview mirror. A feeling of dread filled Connor. Around the corner. To the house. Hurry up, they had to hurry up. "Well aren't you two just talkative." They were home. They walked inside. Connor wanted to run upstairs, to bolt. "Hang on, tell us about school, Zoe. Connor."

Their mom was there too. "Connor kissed someone!" Zoe screamed.

"Stop it, Zoe!"

"Really?" their dad asked. "Who did Connor kiss? I never thought _he _would be the one to find a girlfriend." Both parents laughed, but the kids stayed quiet.

"Evan Hansen."

"Zoe, stop it! She's lying!" Connor stood up, shouting at his parents, his sister. He shoved Zoe out of his way and ran to his bedroom.

*******

"Mommy!"

"Hey, Evan. How was your day?" Evan's mother asked. He liked his mother, at least. At least his daddy wasn't picking him up from school. His daddy liked to yell. Mostly at the other cars, but sometimes he yelled to someone else.

"I-it was lots of fun. I k-kissed a boy. Like you kiss d-daddy." Evan's mother smiled.

"Which boy was it, Evan?"

"It was C-Connor." Evan's mother hugged him. He didn't know why, really. It was just a kiss, after all.

"Evan, maybe don't tell your dad about this, okay, Evan?" Evan nodded, lowering his gaze. "Evan, promise me that you won't tell him, all right?"

"A-all right. I p-promise, Mommy."

*******

"Connor." His dad peeked into his room. Connor didn't respond. He just sat on his bed. "Connor Murphy, answer me, young man."

"Hi."

"A boy. Connor, you kissed a boy." Connor nodded. "Do you know what that makes you, Connor?"

"Tell me."

"It makes you a faggot."

What's that?" Connor's dad laughed a little.

"A bad person, Connor. A very bad person. That's what you are if you kiss any more boys, Connor. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, dad. I understand."


	2. A Terrible Attempt at Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan "isn't" gay, but he does "fall" out of a tree.

"Connor, I'm not gay!" Evan shouted. They were laying in a field, staring up at the sky when they weren't looking at each other. The orchard was abandoned, but that made it better. Nobody was there. Nobody could hear them. Which was a good thing because Connor was currently calling Evan the gayest boy alive.

"Yeah, yeah, because you like my sister. Totally not gay." Evan nodded. "You could be bisexual. Bisexual Hansen."

"I'm not bisexual! Guys aren't... I'm straight!" Connor chuckled. That was the closest to a laugh Evan ever really heard from Connor.

"Alright, alright, I'll lay off you", Connor said returning to drawing on his arm. Evan had no idea what he was drawing, but Connor looked intent and focused.

"W-what is it?" Connor glanced at Evan.

"Are you high too?"

"You're high right now!?" Connor opened his mouth to answer. "N-no! I don't wanna know. What are you drawing?"

"Nothing much. Wanna climb a tree? I'm not high, I swear."

"Y-you will be soon." Silence. "Like h-high up i-in a tree. Right?"

"Right, Hansen. If you really want Zoe, I would lay off the bad puns." Evan made a noise that sounded like a mouse...a mouse being stepped on.

"I don't...I don't have a crush on Zoe!" Connor laughed.

"Sure Future Mr. Murphy." If it was possible, Evan's bright red cheeks got brighter, like a sunburn. "That blush tells me everything I need to know, Hansen."

"What are you talking about?" But Evan was so nervous that it came out more like, "WHATAREYOUTALKALKINGABOUABOUT?"

"Hansen, I'm just joking. I dunno, maybe you're in love with Kleinman." Evan started to panic again. "Damnit Hansen I can't even deal with my own mental illness, how do I keep yours in check?"

"I'm sorry," Evan mumbled, barely audible.

"It's fine, Evan," Connor said, trying to sound as gentle as he could. Like his mother when Connor was young, and he didn't find a four-leaf clover, but Zoe did. Those were good times.

"Evan." Evan's voice brought Connor out of his own mind.

Connor stared at him for a few seconds, confused. "I know your name, Hansen."

"But you always call me Hansen. You never call me Evan." Connor sighed. Once again, Connor Murphy makes someone uncomfortable.

"I wanted you to calm down, I guess. I doubt your mom calls you Hansen when you're getting anxious like that."

"My mom doesn't...well I guess not, b-but my mom is a H-Hansen too, I guess. Uh, wouldn't that be weird?" Connor honestly had no idea.

"Wanna climb a tree?" he asked instead, changing the subject. Evan thought about it for a small moment.

"That sounds like fun." Connor cautiously grabbed Evan's hand, to the other boy's confusion. "Which one?"

Connor snapped out of his trance. "That one!" He pointed to a tree in the distance. It was pretty close. The tallest tree they could see from their spot. Maybe 30 or 40 feet tall. "I'll race you there!"

It was only a couple of yards away. Even they, probably the most unathletic teenage boys, could make it without breaking a sweat. Standing up, Connor started running. He was faster than he looked. Most of his height came from his long legs, and he had tried on multiple occasions to run away from home. Evan, on the other hand was small and according to Connor, could probably be moved by wind.

Evan won the race. "As if. I let you," Connor tried to tell him. In reality, Connor hadn't been trying too hard to win.

"Oh." Connor was half expecting at least a laugh, maybe a protest if he got lucky.

"You up to climb this thing?" Evan looked up at the branches, probably trying to figure out what type of tree it was. Connor scanned for a strong branch to latch onto.

"Oak trees," Evan said, grabbing a branch and pulling himself up. Connor let him talk - Evan's rambling about trees probably did some good for the both boys' mental health. "They're identifiable by acorns that they bear, I think everyone knows that... right? Did you know that an acorn is a fruit?" As they made their way up the tree, Connor was supplied with plant facts that he wouldn't remember. At least Evan would get the satisfaction of teaching Connor again.

Soon they were sitting on branches, about 25, maybe 30 feet off the ground. "And most people don't bother to notice, but flowers have so many petal designs, it's amazing, isn't it? Connor?" Connor was staring out at the landscape. It really was sort of breathtaking, as Evan had put it many times previously.

"Yeah."

"Do you ever feel like...," Evan started, not wanting to finish.

"Jumping off? Yeah. Don't. You're kind of the only person who likes me."

"I...I guess so. Y-you're the only person w-who likes me, too."

"What about Kleinman? Didn't he eat a bath bomb once?"

"That's... I mean Jared is... we're family friends. Our parents kind of make us hang out, s-so we have to like each other." Connor nodded.

"Guess that makes sense. You could just be like me, and not do what your parents tell you to do." Connor grabbed the branch above him and pulled himself up. "Whoever gets the highest without getting scared wins. The loser... buys both of us ice cream."

"Connor is this really the best idea? I mean, it's just that we're already really high up, and if we get any higher, falling off would be really dangerous."

"Too late, Hansen!" Connor had already started climbing higher, leaving Evan to follow him or be considered the loser.

A few minutes later they were both able to make it a few feet higher. Connor sat on a branch, out of breath, and Evan was below him, trying to pull himself higher. "You alright, Shorty?"

"I-I'm fine. We're really high up."

"I noticed that." Connor laughed a little bit and looked up at the scenery.

"Con-," Evan started. The next thing Connor knew, his best friend, his only friend, was falling.


	3. A Broken Arm is the Least of Your Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk shenanigans and lust? In my fanfiction? It's more likely than you think.

**So... quick warning... it gets a little bit spicy and it was really uncomfortable for me to write. Also there's underaged drinking.**

Nobody was there. Evan half expected Connor to be at his side when he woke up in the hospital. He also half expected to find himself dead, so maybe he needed to brush up on his premonitions. For a moment, he thought he heard his mother's voice, his last shred of hope, but upon further inspection there was nobody in the room.

It wasn't long before he was let out of the hospital with a broken arm. His mother met him at the door. Evan didn't catch what she said. His mind was foggy, and he really just wanted to talk to Connor again. It wasn't like he was mad that Connor wasn't with him. The Murphys probably wanted him home for something urgent. Either way, Evan tried to busy himself with something else, like what he would do for the rest of the day, since before he was just gonna hang out with Connor.

He had to walk home from the hospital, because he didn't have any friends that would take him in their cars. He didn't have friends at all, aside from Connor. If he bothered Connor again, he figured he would just be an inconvenience.

The only good thing was that Evan didn't live far from the hospital, so he managed to get there pretty quickly. Once in his house, he tried his best to text Jared. If Jared would even respond.

**TreeBoy: **Jared I broke my arm

**Lush: **Course you did

**Lush: **With the school shooter freak?

**TreeBoy: **His name is Connor

**Lush: **Whatever you say

After that, Jared stopped texting him. He was probably mad. Jared wasn't the biggest fan of Connor, but Evan had been friends with both for as long as he could remember. Evan couldn't just abandon him because Jared told him to, right?

When he got bored again a few minutes later, Evan called Connor. No answer. He called him two more times. No answer. He left a message. "Connor, i-it's me, Evan. I'm fine. M-my arm is just broken. I-I'm not mad at you o-or anything. C-can you j-just please call back wh-when you can?" Evan didn't have anything to do, so he just looked through the internet aimlessly.

A few hours later, Evan's phone vibrated with a text.

**420: **Evannnnnnnn

**TreeBoy: **Connor are you alright?

**420: **Yeah im high Evan

**TreeBoy: **...

**TreeBoy:** No you aren't

**420: **Course I am dumbass

**TreeBoy: **You don't text me when you're high

**420: **Yeh your right im not high but I wish I was

**TreeBoy: **Yeah* You're* and I'm*

**420: **Can I sneak in through the window or some shit?

**TreeBoy: **My mom isn't home just use the front door

**420: **Using the window is cooler

**420: **Open youre window im using it and you cant stop me

**420: **Don't correct my fucking grammar Hansen

Evan opened his window and sure enough a few minutes later Connor crawled through it with a backpack. "You're usually quicker," Evan remarked. Connor shrugged and reached into his backpack.

"Had to sneak into my dad's stash." He pulled out two bottles of booze. "He isn't using it."

"ConNOr!" Evan whined, lightly punching him in the arm. "We're underage!" he whisper shouted.

"That hasn't stopped me before, Hansen."

"Can we at least talk a little bit before you get drunk?" Connor raised an eyebrow. "Are you already drunk!?"

"Just a lil' bit tipsy, Ev."

"Connorrrrr!" Connor didn't pay attention to Evan, though.

"We should order a pizza. I'm gonna order a pizza. You're paying."

"M-me? Why me!?"

"Well you broke your arm so you never bought me ice cream, and you don't want to be in debt with me." Connor turned on a movie for them to watch.

"What movie is it?"

"Not telling."

"Connor! Tell me what movie it is!"

"Nope."

A few seconds later Evan figured out the movie was Tangled. "Connor, you're drunk. Let me pick! Disney movies are for kids."

"Nope." So they watched Tangled, only pausing to take the pizza. And when Connor's drunk ass wanted to slur out a joke. Evan was sitting on the couch, his head propped up on his non broken arm resting on the side of the couch, and Connor was lying on the floor, 1 and a half bottles of booze downed, plus a stolen can of beer.

Evan was half asleep, but Connor tapped him on the shoulder. "Ev."

"C-Connor? What do you want?"

"Can we, like, fuck?"

"CONNOR!?!"

"You're hot, Ev." Connor was closer to him now, pinning Evan to the side of the couch. He was careful to avoid Evan's broken arm.

"C-Connor?!?" Evan squeaked. Connor's breath smelled like, well alcohol, and it wasn't long before their noses were almost touching. "Connor stop it! My mom... my mom will be home in a few minutes! I don't want her to see this happening!"

"You don't want me to see what happening?" a voice said from behind. Too late. Connor's lips smashed onto Evan's. Connor tried to take it further, his tongue trying to make its way into Evan's mouth, whereas Evan tried to push Connor away. There was a loud thud from behind them, though and both turned around to see who it was.

The one and only Heidi Hansen was standing there, eyes looking back and forth from the two boys on the couch and the bottles of booze. There was a weight on Evan's lap.

Connor passed out.


	4. Freaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk angst

"Evan sweetie, what's going on?" Evan's anxiety was building up, and he was on the verge of tears. Not to mention he had a passed out Connor on his lap and his mother starting at him.

"M-Mom, I don't.... I don't know, Mom." That was it. He had started crying. There were tears rolling down his face and he couldn't get any words out. He pushed Connor off of him, which was hard, considering Connor was a significant amount heavier than him, and he curled up into a ball. His mother tried to comfort him, putting her hands on his shoulders, but Evan pushed her off. "J-just... just leave me alone, M-Mom."

So, Heidi went to her own bedroom and left Evan and Connor alone in the living room. Evan cried in the corner of the couch until he fell asleep.

***

"Hey Hansen, what the hell did I do last night?" That was what Evan woke up to. That, and his back hurt from sleeping while sitting up.

"C-Connor."

"Hansen, are you okay? Did I hurt you or something? Jesus Christ I knew booze was a bad idea, but I just...." Connor looked terrified of himself.

"You, um, y-you didn't r-really hurt me." Evan was starting to cry again, remembering the events of the previous night.

"Hansen, it's okay. You're safe now," Connor reminded him, wrapping his arms around Evan. "You have anything to eat here?" he asked, changing the subject.

"N-no. I don't really e-eat," Evan said. Connor raised his eyebrows with concern. "Um, breakfast, that is," Evan added.

"Oh. Neither do I, just wanted you to be... y'know. Okay, I guess." Connor shrugged. "So does your mom leave notes or... is it just freedom when she's gone?" Evan shrugged, too.

"I-it depends on the day, I guess."

"Don't you have medicine for that anxiety, Hansen?" Evan looked up quickly, standing up and making his way to his bedroom.

"Shoot! I gotta, uh, I gotta take that... I guess." Connor chuckled.

"You're fucking adorable, Hansen," Connor mumbled. Evan turned around slowly.

"W-what did you say?" Connor stepped forward.

"I said," he started off, his tone sharp and slightly threatening. "You're cute. You got a problem with that, Hansen?" Connor looked a little angry.

"No, I just...."

"What, Hansen? You think I'm a freak? Is that what it is?" Evan took a step back, but Connor pushed him to the wall and pinned it against him. Tears were threatening to fall from Connor's eyes.

"Connor are you drunk now too?"

"No, Hansen. Maybe I'm not the terrible influence everyone thinks I am. Ever stop to think about that?" Evan stared up at Connor, whose face had tears running down it. Connor stared straight into Evan's eyes, took a deep breath, and kissed him. Evan was shocked for a second, but soon he closed his eyes and melted into the kiss.

As quickly as it started, Connor pulled away. He looked at Evan for a second, looking shocked and coming close to hyperventilation. Connor regained his anger. "Maybe you're the fucking freak!" Evan broke into sobs as Connor left.

Once Evan stopped crying, he video called Jared. He needed to see another human being. Just to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

***

"You kissed the school shooter freak? And you're sure you aren't gay?" Maybe talking to Jared was a mistake. Evan had finished relaying the story to Jared and the reaction was definitely not as helpful as he had hoped.

"I'm not gay, Jared."

"Are you sure?" Evan stayed silent for a second or two, thinking about what Connor had said the previous day.

"No."


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gang it's ya boy, limp spaghetti noodle, back with more bad fanfic

Evan didn't talk to Connor for the next few days. He sent a text telling Connor he didn't hate him, but it received no answer. He didn't have the courage to leave a voicemail or email, so he left it alone. They had never fought before.

Evan knew that Connor had a couple of mental issues going on, but he had never really seen them in action. He didn't even know if that night's events were caused by them or the alcohol. What he did know was that Connor was Evan's only friend, so he was alone for a while. When his mom was at work or classes, he was alone, and he refused to talk to her when she was there. He was _not _going to have the conversation about being gay anytime soon. He wasn't completely sure himself.

It was then, sinking into a probable depression, that Evan received a text from an unknown number

**Unknown: **Is this Evan Hansen?

**TreeBoy: **Yeah, who's this?

**Unknown: **I'm Connor's mother

**TreeBoy: **Is Connor okay?

**420Mom: **Actually, that's why I'm texting you.

**420Mom: **Maybe you should just come over

Yeah, that never means anything good.

Evan made his way to the Murphys' house, which was a few blocks away. When he got there, he was greeted by Mr. Murphy, who let him in and gestured for him to sit in the living room with them. Looking around, he saw all of the Murphys. Except for Connor.

Evan's eyes widened.

"Connor... wanted you to have this," Mrs. Murphy said, handing Evan a piece of paper, a handwritten paragraph on it.

"Y'know we barely ever heard you name. Almost like you were just close acquaintances, maybe," Mr. Murphy started. "And then we saw it. Dear Evan Hansen." Evan looked down. Sure enough, at the beginning of the page in messy print, it said his name.

"So, he gave this to you? W-when? Is...." Evan wanted to ask if Connor was okay. He saw the looks in their eyes. Even Zoe, who Evan could never picture sad, looked somber. Something had to be wrong.

"We didn't know you two were even friends," Mr. Murphy continued. That was an understatement. They had literally kissed just a few nights ago. "And then we see this letter. It seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were... or at least for Connor, that he thought of you as...." As what? Boyfriends? Best friends? Mr. Murphy was beating around the bush. Talking about Connor in past tense, like he didn't even exist, like he had faded out of existence.

"I mean it's addressed to you; he wrote it to you." Evan stared at the note, feeling too nauseous to read past the first three words.

"These are the words he wanted to share with you," Mrs. Murphy added.

"His last words." Evan felt himself on the verge of tears, not for the first time that day.

Zoe mumbled something.

"Zoe, speak up," Mrs. Murphy said to her daughter.

"You say that like you already accept that he'll die. He's in a fucking coma."

"Zoe, don't talk to your mother like that!" Evan was starting to feel awkward, but, hey, his only friend wasn't dead, so that's a plus.


	6. 6

Evan never expected to be sitting next to his possibly dying best friend, but here he was, in Connor's hospital room. Zoe was next to him, so at least wouldn't be alone if Connor died. He thought about Connor's possible death more than he would ever admit, which caused him to burst into spontaneous tears more than Connor's family did.

"Evan, I'm gonna go," Zoe said after they had been there for about 45 minutes. She had started shaking, probably trying to fight off tears. Evan was alone, so he decided to do what people do in books and movies and stuff when people are in comas. He talked to an unconscious person.

"C-Connor, I know you... you can't hear me, but... I just wish you would come back. I miss you. And school is starting soon. I guess you'd skip it anyways, wouldn't you?" The situation wasn't funny, but Evan laughed at himself for it. In the back of his mind, he hoped that Connor would open his eyes and pull Evan in close for a kiss like before.

But that sort of thing only happened in the movies. "I wish I was gay, Connor. Then we could... we could just be happy. This is all my fault. I'm the one who... I pushed you away." The tears came back with violent sobbing, and Evan moved his hand towards Connor's. The rest of the world was far from Evan's thoughts. The only thing he knew was that he wanted Connor to stay alive. 

*******

It was a week later that Evan got a call from Connor's mother, asking him to come to the hospital. He thought the worst. His mother received no explanation as he ran out the door panicking.

*******

"C-Connor?" Evan said quietly as he entered Connor's room in the hospital, almost whispering. The Murphys were all there, Zoe and Mr. Murphy looking less than happy, while Cynthia – Mrs. Murphy – was sitting on the hospital bed next to Connor, hugging him and crying. Evan paused in the doorway, processing the scene before him.

Connor. Connor was there. Connor was sitting up. Evan finally gasped and stepped further into the room. He almost went to hug him as Cynthia was, but he had no idea if Connor even remembered what had happened. Besides, the Murphys were there.

"Connor, you're... alive?" Evan said it like a question. Connor smiled slightly.

"Yeah. I guess I am. Unless Mom hugs corpses or somethin'."


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> evan cries a lot

"Jared he's gone, and I want him back so much, and I know I shouldn't. But he's just so good looking. He kisses good too, you know. And when he was unconscious, he still looked so hot, I mean... um...." This was probably the strangest talk Jared and Evan had ever had, and Evan once watched Jared eat a bath bomb... although there had probably been weirder than the bath bomb.

"Evan, all I can say is you're gay. Just admit it. You've only ever had feelings for Zoe. You're getting the Murphys mixed up."

"Jared, I don't –." Jared hung up. Evan closed his laptop and flopped back onto his bed. He felt something in his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. Connor's suicide note, to be exact. "I guess I should...." He hadn't read the note. That would make it so much more real.

But, hey, Evan figured that if Connor survived, he could help him out. So, he unfolded the letter and almost cried upon seeing the "Dear Evan Hansen" at the top. He listened for footsteps outside his room, but there were none, meaning his mother probably wasn't home. She did a lot of pacing.

Evan figured he'd read the letter out loud, since he could, and since he would remember it better if he read it out loud. He took a deep breath. "Dear Evan Hansen,

_I know you were trying to make me think so, but it turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

_I wish I didn't love you._

_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone _ _ if I just disappeared tomorrow? I'm just Connor, and according to everyone but you, there's either a school shooting or a suicide in my future, and I don't really have the energy to kill anyone._

_Sincerely, Me." _

By the end of the letter, Evan was crying for what seemed like the millionth time in the past week. This was the most he had cried. He was making noise, which was weird, since he tended to be pretty good at crying quietly. The letter was crumpled up in his hands, and his face had tears racing down it. He heard his door creak open, and arms wrapped around him.

His mother's voice quieted him and calmed him down. "Shh, you're safe. You're okay. It's gonna be okay."

He looked up at her face. She gave him an encouraging smile. "What's going on, Evan? You had that boy over and you wouldn't talk to me about him, and now you're crying at this piece of paper. What's wrong?"

"Connor," Evan whispered.

"Who?"

"His name is Connor. He's my friend."

"I remember you going to school with a Connor when you were a little kid. How come I haven't heard about him since your, um, dad moved out?"

"I dunno," Evan mumbled.

"I remember you said you kissed him back in kindergarten." Evan blushed a bright red, looking away. "You kissed him when he was here too just a few days ago." Evan's face got redder.

"H-he, um, he kissed me...." His mother nodded, a knowing smile playing on her lips.

"Uh huh. Why are you crying over this Connor? I mean, if he kissed you and you didn't consent, he sounds like a jerk."

"No!" Evan shouted. Heidi raised an eyebrow. "I-I mean he isn't a jerk. H-he was... drunk." He waited for his mother's reaction.

"You weren't?" Evan shook his head.

"Connor, um... he did, um, give me some once before... but it's gross! I won't do it again!" His mother laughed, nodding.

"Why's this guy worth the tears?"

"He... he's my best friend."

"So?"

"He tried to kill himself." Heidi was silent. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it.

After a few seconds, Heidi spoke again. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"Dunno," Evan mumbled. "Coma." Heidi put her arms around her son again.

"Have you visited him yet?" Heidi asked him. Evan shook his head. "How about you go see him tomorrow?" Evan nodded, and she left him alone in his room.


	8. 8 !!

When they were back at school, Jared didn't talk to Evan. But that was okay, because Evan had Connor. They agreed to forget about what had happened, and Evan hadn't said a word to Connor about what his mother had said about them kissing as little kids. It was the second day of school, as Connor had skipped the first.

Evan and Connor met in the hallway. Evan saw Jared walking away from Connor, muttering something. Connor looked angry, but Evan could've sworn he saw Connor's face soften when he approached.

"C-Connor."

"Hey, Hansen. How's school, or whatever?" Evan frowned a little.

"Are you about to skip?"

"Zoe gave me her car keys because she sneaked a beer this morning." Connor laughed at Evan's expression. "Zoe's a total lightweight, y'know. Dad thinks it's me, 'cause Zoe's the angel." Evan looked down. People passed by and started pointing. Evan took a step backward, and Connor pushed him. "You're the freak!" People scattered. Evan sat on the ground, shocked and scared. When People passed by, Connor walked up to Evan, who crawled backward.

"Hey, Hansen, calm down. Do you want rumors to spread about you?" Evan shook his head and Connor extended a hand to help him up.

"I gotta, um, get to class," Evan said before walking the other way, leaving Connor alone.

Connor went towards the exit and found Zoe's car in the parking lot. Cynthia had taken his keys, scared that he would attempt suicide again. He got in, started the ignition, and left the school. Where did he go? The orchard.

Edgy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: self harm n shit

Sometimes being the poster child for good girls gets to you, okay? That's why I did it. That's why I won't take off my jacket. That's why I've never been more cautious playing guitar for jazz band.

"Zoe is perfect!" they say. "She's beautiful, and her brother is the worst!"

Maybe I just want to prove them wrong. Maybe Zoe Murphy isn't perfect.

*******

Evan looked down at his cast. Connor had written his name on it, in huge, messy font. Evan couldn't explain the butterflies he felt in his stomach when it happened. The same ones that he got every time he talked to Connor. Evan couldn't explain the butterflies in his stomach he felt when it happened. The same feeling he got every time he talked to Connor. It was similar to anxiety, but it was more of an urge to kiss him.

That's what Evan was thinking about, sitting on a park bench, all alone. He put his head in his hands. He had never really considered his sexuality aside from knowing that girls were pretty and so was Connor. He felt his phone vibrate with a text from Connor.

**420: **Come over Ev

**TreeBitch: **What for?

**420: **Bored and suicidal

**TreeBitch: **Okay I'll see you in a few minutes

**420: **<33333 Ok Evan

Evan's breathing quickened. He double checked and triple checked to make sure that he wasn't just seeing things. Nope, Connor had really sent a heart. Evan's mind raced with reasons, because he didn't want to settle for wishful thinking and disappointment.

*******

"Evan, Hot Topic won't get off of me!" Evan didn't know why Jared was at Connor's house or why Connor was supposedly on top of Jared, but that's what he heard when he walked into the house. Evan turned a corner and walked into something he would never forget.

Jared was lying on the floor with Connor sitting on him, hands being pinned to the ground so that he couldn't fight back. **(that doesn't even make sense Sea you idiot) **Evan didn't know why, but he didn't like it. He frowned.

"Get off of Jared," Evan said, his voice monotone. "I- um... I mean.... w-what's going on?" Connor looked at him with a strange concern and stood up.

"My parents aren't home **(they laundered money now they're on the run) **so we're having a fucking sleepover and ZOE GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!" Evan sat on the floor next to Jared.

After a minute of Connor looking annoyed, probably at Zoe's lack of being there, he screamed. Again. "Zoe I'm coming upstairs, asshole!" He ran upstairs.

"So, um, w-what do you think of h – Connor?" Evan asked Jared.

"He's- ." **(I apologize for what's about to happen)**

They heard shouting from upstairs. "Guys?" Connor called from upstairs. "Get the fuck up here!" **(Heere)**

Evan and Jared ran upstairs to find Connor standing upstairs, crying with Zoe in his arms. On the sleeve of his grey jacket was blood. **(I am very sorry) **"C-Connor, w-w-what's going on?" Evan asked. Zoe pulled away from the hug. Her jacket sleeve was rolled up.

Evan's eyes flashed from Zoe's bloody arm to the blood on Connor's sleeve.

In a small voice, Zoe could only say, "I'm sorry."


	10. 10 :o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has exactly 420 words and i hope connor is proud of me

The night Zoe was found cutting herself, the four of them made a pact not to talk about it again, especially to their parents. Did that prove to be a bad idea? Well, it depends on your idea of bad.

That night, they did have a sleepover, though, and they even let Zoe stay, which, unfortunately for Connor, meant that Zoe forced them to let Alana come. It didn't end up being too bad, though, aside from... well, the truth or dare that Alana started. Let's paint the picture.

Zoe was lying down on one couch, and Alana and Jared were sitting on the other, leaving Connor and Evan on the floor. They weren't really doing anything aside from talking, although Zoe and Alana's phones were vibrating constantly, so Connor figured they were up to something.

"Hey, Evan, truth or dare?" Jared said out of nowhere.

"T-truth?" Jared laughed, almost maniacally.

"When I asked you last time, you said you weren't sure, so I'll ask you again. Are you gay?"

"I...." Evan looked around at everyone's curious, encouraging faces and felt... intimidated. "No." He could've sworn he saw Connor's face fall.

"Oh. Okay," Jared said, sounding almost surprised. An awkward silence fell across the five of them.

"Zoe, truth or dare?" Connor asked.

"Dare. _I'm _not a wimp."

"Have a makeout sesh with Alana."

**Zoe's POV**

What the fuck, Connor?

**Ok back to my comfort zone in 3rd person**

"I don't... I mean if she... Alana?"

"For the dare, I guess." **(oh shush Alana you know you want this) **Alana stood up and went over to the couch that Zoe was on. "How do we start this out? I haven't ever kissed anyone before."

"The way that it works is you shut up and let me start it," Zoe said, making brief eye contact with everyone in the room except Alana before leaning in and allowing their lips to make contact. It wasn't long before the kiss deepened into a full on makeout.

Connor let Jared take a few photos, although after Zoe yelled at him for it, they found out that Jared had taken a video, resulting in Zoe's exact words being, "Not only are you a bathbomb eating bastard, you're also a total pervert and I hope you have fun jerking off to that, because it's the closest your tiny dick will ever be to me!"

Alana and Zoe sat next to each other for the rest of the sleepover, though.


	11. 11

After things calmed down, Zoe proclaimed it was her turn to ask the question. "Connor, truth or dare?"

"Dare, obviously."

"Alright, you fucking gay. But after what you just pulled; I think I _have _to return the favor." **(autocorrect changed it to you are fucking gay, which is also true)**

"Get on with it, Zoe," Connor said, rolling his eyes.

"Kiss Evan."

"Woah, woah, woah! We are... _not _doing that Zoe, how about we just... hug. I will hug Evan." Zoe laughed.

"No chance, Connor. You made me kiss Alana."

"Evan _just _said he wasn't gay!"

"B-bisexuals _do _exist," Evan said, biting his lip. "N-not that I want this either, I-I'm just saying. That I'm bi."

"First of all, called it. Second of all, I'm still not kissing him!"

"Do it for the dare!" Jared shouted.

"You either kiss Evan or I tell him your secret!" Zoe told Connor.

"W-wait," Connor said, a subtle blush coming across his face as well as a scared expression.

****flashback to freshman year brought to you by Rich Dillinger Goranski****

_"I fucking love him," Connor said, alone in his room. _

_"Who?" _

_"Zoe, what the hell are you doing in my room?" Connor shouted, sitting up. _

_"Eavesdropping. Obviously." Connor rolled his eyes and resisted the urge the throw a punch._

_"Now, if you don't want me to tell _dad _that you like a guy, spill," Zoe threatened. Connor stood up. "W-w-wait, Connor, no, I-I'll leave, I can leave!" She backed up into a corner, and he was close enough to punch her if he wanted, but his features weren't looking quite as terrifying as usual. _

_But Zoe knew from experience that anything Connor was probably bad news, so she screamed for her parents. Soon enough, footsteps were heard coming up the stairs._

_"Evan Hansen, now get the fuck out," Connor mumbled, stepping away._

**** wasn't that interesting (; (; ****

"Get the fuck over here, Hansen."

"Wha... Hansen?" Connor had pretty much stopped calling him Hansen.

"Yeah," Connor said, grabbing Evan's arm and pulling their faces closer.

"W-what's–," Evan started before Connor's lips made contact with the smaller boy's.

The kiss lasted for longer than Zoe intended, and neither of them tried to stop it.

"For Evan's first kiss, he's pretty good at this," Jared said suddenly. **(shut up Jared you've only kissed a bathbomb)**

Evan pulled away, and Connor smirked, looking sort of in awe. **(you cute af emo) **"Oh, that wasn't Evan's first kiss."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saucy


	12. 12

_"For Evan's first kiss, he's pretty good at this," Jared said suddenly_

_Evan pulled away, and Connor smirked, looking sort of in awe."Oh, that wasn't Evan's first kiss." _

Jared, who had literally been on the edge of his seat, fell backwards, his cool posture broken. "What the fuck?"

"Yeah, who did _Evan _kiss that made him so comfortable with kissing _you_?" Zoe asked before realization settled on her features. "Wait a second."

"Sweet little _Evan_, how much brainwashing did Connor do?" Jared asked, wearing the same expression as Zoe.

"I figured," Alana said.

"I wasn't _brainwashed_, Jared. I-I mean, granted, Connor was drunk, and I was s-sort of trying to push him away. B-but it happened." Jared raised his eyebrows, looking almost impressed for a moment in time.

"Wait, _you _weren't drunk, but you still let him kiss you?" Zoe asked.

"I-I tried to push him away."

"Actually, Ev, I wasn't drunk the second time we kissed, and you didn't even try to push me away then," Connor reminded Evan, whose face was bright red.

"I...um, I...," Evan stuttered before he groaned and fell backwards onto the ground. "Can we just...talk about something else?"

"I mean, it is 4am, so we should probably sleep or some shit," Connor said, noticing how uncomfortable Evan was with the whole thing. "Hey, Evan, we should go... I don't actually have an excuse, but we need to talk. In the kitchen."

Evan followed Connor into the kitchen, although it was more like Connor grabbed Evan's wrist and pulled him there.

"I'm... really sorry, Evan," Connor said, leaning against the island counter.

"N-no, I'm not upset. There's actually something I-I've wanted to do for a... really long time. I'm sorry that's so weird, sorry. I just...," Evan looked up into Connor's eyes. "C-can I do something?"

"Sure?" Evan stood on his toes and kissed Connor again. It was soft and sweet and much quicker than the kisses that Connor had initiated, not even lasting a second before it was over. "First of all, woah. But Evan, do you really think we should?"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry, that's so weird, I'm sorry."

"Evan, it's fine. I just want to know what we are. I mean we've kissed so many times, and people are gonna start assuming things. I have to have the _worst _reputation ever, and that's gonna be put onto you just for associating with me."

"C-Connor, I don't care about y-your reputation. I just know that... that if i-it's okay with you, I th-think I wanna be your.... I'm sorry, c-can we be b-boyfriends?" Connor grinned.

"You're serious?"

"Y-yeah. B-b-but we don't have to, it was just–." Connor grabbed Evan's chin and pulled it towards himself. This time, it didn't end. **(yes, Evan had glue on his lips and they were stuck like that until they both died) **

**** timeskip to a little bit later (like a couple minutes later idk how time works also I don't know how long people make out for I've never done that so y'know ****

When Zoe walked into the kitchen to make sure nobody was dead, she saw Evansitting on the kitchen counter, kissing her brother. Not to mention Evan had hickeys on his neck.

"Connor, what the fuck are you doing!?" Evan pushed Connor away as soon as he heard her, leaving Connor confused.

"Fuck."

Of course, Zoe's shouting brought Jared and Alana into the room. (to make sure nobody was being murdered)

"Wow, Evan's got game," Jared said immediately. "When's the wedding and can I be maid of honor?"

"Fuck," Connor said again. In fact he repeated it after that. Many times. Evan hopped down and grabbed Connor's hand.

"W-we're dating."

"Just don't fuck each other when I'm home," Zoe said, grabbing Alana's hand and leaving with her.

"You better not hurt Evan," Jared said before he followed the girls.

Connor smirked, looking down at Evan. He kissed the top of his boyfriend's head before he put his own head on Evan's.

"That went well, Ev."


	13. hheidi

Connor was in Evan's bedroom.

Jesus Christ get your mind out of the gutter; they were just talking.

"I am so fucking gay," Connor said, collapsed on Evan's bed.

Evan was scrolling through twitter, most likely exploring hashtags about trees. "I would hope so."

"Oh, right, we're dating."

"C-can we make out again?" Evan asked, setting his phone down.

"Depends, when is your mom home?"

"I... I dunno."

"She's seen us kissing before, so she'll probably be **(more) **chill."

"B-but she knows you were d-drunk, and she saw me trying to push you away from me. B-but w-with us dating, what would she think?"

"Who gives a shit?"

"CoNnOr!"

"You started this conversation, Hansen, are you going to finish it with a kiss?"

"Y-yeah."

**(I've written so many kissing scenes that it just makes me depressed so I'm just gonna say they're kissing on the bed, nothing else) ( ** **͡** **° ** **͜ʖ ** **͡** **° )**

"Evan, sweetie, I'm – what's this time's excuse?"

"M-mom!" Evan said, sitting up and pushing Connor off him. Connor gave Heidi a death stare for a few seconds before he held back laughter at Evan, who had of course started rambling his way out of the situation.

"Evan, calm down," Connor said. He turned to Heidi. "Your son has a boyfriend."

"I figured. Don't have too much fun, Evan, sweetie, I'll see you later, and you too, Connor, if you stay." She took that opportunity to leave.

"Connor! W-why would you... What does she... Connor!"

"Told you she'd be cool with it."

"I-I guess so." Evan shrugged. "C-can Jared come over?"

"Kleinman? Really?" Evan nodded, smiling hopefully. "Whatever makes you happy, Hansen."

"Yes!" Evan texted Jared, and he was there pretty quickly, actually.

"So exactly how much sex have you guys had?" he asked once he was inside Evan's house.

"None!" Evan said immediately, stepping closer to Connor.

"I have a hard time believing that," Jared said, smirking.

Connor sighed. "Now do you see why I didn't want Kleinman here?"


	14. whoever wrote this chapter must be a bitch haha

Connor remembered taking the pills. He remembered passing out in the park. He remembered the overwhelming loneliness he felt.

Connor didn't want anyone else to feel that pain.

***** **

"Okay, Evan, spill. Why did you wanna come to the orchard?" Connor asked. They both had ice cream cones in one hand, and with the other, they held each other's hands.

"I... I wanted to give you s-something. A-and I know i-it's super, um, stupid, b-but it took me a really long time to... to pick it out. And I think you-you'll like it."

"Evan, you haven't stuttered that much since our first kiss. What the hell is going on?" Evan took a deep breath and reached in his pocket.

"I-it's nothing much, you'll p-probably think I-I'm stupid f-for this," Evan said. "S-sorry I'll get to the p-point." He pulled two silver rings out of his pocket. Nothing super fancy, but Connor was still heavily questioning things and Evan didn't say a word.

"Evan?"

"P-promise rings. Y'know. I-it's like a-an engagement to... to be engaged. Wh-when we're old enough, that i-is." Connor stared at Evan, a small smile growing on his face. "S-sorry, you probably think I'm a-an idiot."

"That's amazing." Evan fumbled with the rings for a moment before handing Connor one that had 'Bros' engraved on it. "Why does it say 'bros'?"

"B-because m-mine says, um, 'trees'. A-and wh-when I fell out of the tree... th-that was sort of, I dunno, the beginning of our r-relationship. A-and since we hang out at the, um, orchard a lot?" Connor wrapped Evan in a hug. Evan buried his face in his boyfriend's neck.

"I love you so much, Ev," Connor said, not really thinking about what he said. His voice was muffled, as he was resting his head on Evan's, but Evan heard it loud and clear and warning bells went off in his mind.

"W-what?"

"I love you." Connor said, pulling away from the hug and sliding his ring onto his finger. Evan did the same.. "What, you can propose to propose, but I can't say I love you?"

"N-no, it's fine, I was just...."

"Surprised. It's fine. Hey, now that you have your cast off, can we climb a tree?" Connor asked. "Or are you scared after you fell?" he added after noticing Evan's nervous expression.

"I didn't fall," Evan mumbled.

Connor dropped his ice cream. "Wait, what?"

"I didn't fall."

"I heard you loud and clear, what the fuck is that supposed to mean, Hansen?" Evan looked down. "Evan?"

"I let go of the branch." Connor stared. "I'm so sorry I shouldn't have... you were happy and I just ruined it, I'm just gonna go." Evan turned around, but Connor grabbed his shoulder and pinned him against a tree.

"No, no, no, Hansen, explain. Just... just tell me why you did it." Connor tried to maintain his calmness. He was angry, but he didn't want Evan to think it was about him. Connor was angry at all the fucked up shit in the world that made people like Evan try to commit suicide.

"I don't know," Evan said, sitting down against the tree. Connor crouched down to his level and just held him. "I just felt so alone, then. A-and I couldn't find another foothold, but I kept searching a-anyways. I just thought... y'know m-maybe it's a sign th-that I was just meant t-to leave." His voice was shaky, and there were tears running down his face.

"Shh, you don't have to talk about it unless you want to."

"I-I do, Connor, I want you to know, I don't want to l-leave you with no e-explanation. C-Connor I regret it s-so much I s-swear; I mean what if I.... What if I had died?"

"Hey, don't think like that, alright, I get it too, alright, I... I was there, and it's hard, and I'm still that way sometimes, but it's never a better option to... to die." Now there were two boys holding each other, being each other's shoulders to cry on.

"Let's go get some ice cream, Ev."

"But we just–"

"No buts, we're getting ice cream."

*******

"Hey, Ev?" Connor said, sitting across from his boyfriend in the ice cream parlor, 'A 'La Mode' near the orchard.

"Hm?" Evan responded.

"How about we just... forget about everything that happened?"

"What?"

"We don't need to focus on the bad stuff. The suicide attempts, all of that? Let's keep the past buried away in the past for now."

Evan smiled. "Sounds good to me."


	15. zoe protecc, zoe attac, most importantly zoe a snacc

Connor was getting high, and Evan was at his house.

Naturally, Zoe took him into her bedroom for a protective little sister talk. Although, she seemed more protective of Evan rather than Connor. "Evan, blink three times if Connor is blackmailing you."

"W-what? I mean, I, um... no," Evan finished

"Do you love my brother?"

Evan looked at her for a moment, almost shocked. "I-I'm sorry, what?"

"Do you love Connor?" Zoe asked again, slower, like she was talking to a little kid.

"I don't... I mean we haven't been dating for....for that, um, for that long. I'm sorry, maybe I should just go?"

Zoe shook her head. "No, don't go! I wanna know the details!"

"D-details?" Evan asked with an awkward laugh. "What, um, what details?"

Zoe sighed. "I _mean_...." She glanced towards the door. "Have you _done it_ yet?"

"What?"

"I figured you were too innocent for that. My brother still doesn't have the skills to charm like me!"

"W-what?" Evan asked again.

"Nothing, Evan, don't worry about it." Evan shrugged. "So has he tried to hurt you, because Connor tends to do that to people that he, um.... loves."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing, Evan, shouldn't have brought it up, and anyways, I'm sure that it won't matter. Connor likes you a lot. He told me... in a way."

"In a way?" Evan grew increasingly confused with each word Zoe said.

"_Nothing_, Evan. I have to go to Alana's anyways, for... a group project. Unless you wanna wait until Connor is back home and high, which will probably be tomorrow, you should probably go home. My mom will probably get scared over Connor any minute now, my dad will start yelling that he does this all the time, and they'll start fighting. If we get lucky, nobody gets hurt, and Connor never walks in on it."

Evan looked up from the ground. "Th-that's what you live with?"

"No big deal, Evan, it's been happening since Connor found out about weed."

"But that's–"

"I _said _it's no big deal. Long as you're happy with my brother, maybe everything will be alright." She grabbed a jacket sitting on her dresser. "Leave whenever the hell you feel like it, I'm going to Alana's place before my dad can interrogate me about it."


	16. this chapter made me sad to reread

"I mean can you really call it a sleepover when your eighteen years old? It's more of a... hangout with sexual implications," Connor said. He had his arms wrapped around Evan, who was on his phone.

"It doesn't _have _to be, um, sexual unless y-you want it to be," Evan responded. "Look at this tree meme that Jared tagged me in."

Connor took his Evan's phone out of his hand. "So interesting it makes me want to...." He set the phone down. "Interact with you."

Evan donned a face of mock offense. "W-we've been interacting!"

"Your mom would say otherwise."

"W-what?"

"Are you telling me that I chose a boyfriend that doesn't understand culture?" Evan shook his head, slightly in awe of how he chose a boyfriend that was so very... Connor. "Whatever, fuck me."

"_No, _Connor."

"I didn't _mean _literally. Unless of course you wanted me to, then I meant whatever you want it to mean."

"C-Connor!" Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

"Okay, okay.

"Y-you're so... different." Connor raised an eyebrow. "I-in a good way, I mean. B-but we're so different. What do you even like about me?" Connor laughed sweetly.

"Everything." Evan pouted a little.

"Be specific?"

"You're nice. You aren't scared of me. You don't try too hard to fix me, which is a good change."

"W-what else?"

Connor laughed. "You want more, Ev?"

"No, no, no, it's... it's fine."

"I'm sure I can think of more."

"Really?" Connor nodded, and as Evan looked up at him, he tried to find the right words to say.

"You kiss good." This caused Evan to blush.

"I-I do?"

"Yeah."

"I thought it was mostly you." Connor smirked.

"Takes two to tango." Evan giggled, Connor holding him closer. "Anyways, you're just... perfect."

"I've never known Connor Murphy at a loss for words."

"Well, what else could I even say?'

"I... I don't know, I mean that's probably all I could say about you, too." Connor smiled, picking up Evan's phone. Evan reached for it.

"There's no way you're getting this. It's two am, you're sleeping."

"I-I don't wanna sleep," Evan protested. He yawned.

"You're going to sleep, Hansen." Evan opened his mouth to protest, but Connor kissed him softly.

"A-alright." Connor reached over to Evan's side table and turned off his lamp, which had previously been their only source of light.

"Go to sleep, Ev."

"I said alright."

Connor laughed softly. "Yeah, I know."


	17. larry finds out (little bitch)

Jared had declared Evan and Connor the Power Couple of the Century, mostly because they had been together for almost 2 months, which was longer than Jared had ever kept a relationship, except probably with a bath bomb or something.

Connor didn't think his parents were home, so he and Evan walked into his house, holding hands, expecting, at most, Alana and Zoe to be making out on the couch. Instead, Connor's parents were there, talking, looking troubled. His father had his head in his hands, but when the door opened, he conveniently looked up.

"Connor. You're home early. Who's your friend?"

Connor let go of Evan's hand. "Evan." He looked his dad straight in the eyes. Evan looked at Connor, worried. Connor picked up Evan's hand again, glanced at his father's shocked face, and pulled Evan upstairs.

In Connor's room, they heard Larry shout, "We'll talk later, Connor!"

"C-Connor?"

"I'll live, Evan. Mom will stop him from getting too angry, if she can, and Zoe will probably be home soon enough."

"Connor...," Evan trailed off, worried.

"Drop it, Ev. So, we can watch this bootleg I found online. Be More Cool. I know you love the soundtrack, Treeboy." Evan laughed.

"Let's do it, Connie."

"Con_or_," he corrected, pulling up the bootleg on his laptop.

"Alright, Connie."

**** Timeskip to when Evan is gone brought to you by homosexuals, women with children, short insomniacs, and spiky lesbians ** **

"Connor!" Connor flinched, barely glancing at his father, just sitting up and looking down.

"Larry, please," his mother pleaded.

"Cynthia, I'm doing what's best for him, and I won't have a queer for a son." Connor looked up at his words. In his eyes, vulnerability.

"What the fuck are you gonna do?" Connor asked, standing up. He tried his best to look threatening. "Kick me out? You just can't stand for the fact that I'm more in love than you." His mother looked terrified of him.

A split second later, Connor was holding the right side of his face, more shocked than pained. "D-Dad?" Cynthia held her husband's arm.

"Larry, we really don't have to...," she said. Connor had lost his tough composure, almost cowering in fear.

"I'll see to it that you're out of my house by tomorrow."

"What?" Connor's anger was replaced with complete fear.

"Get out of this house."


	18. Chapter 18

Evan liked trees. In the early morning hours, when he needed to get away from his house? He loved them. Something, anything to get him away from his anxiety immediately became his favorite thing in the world. That's why he was at the orchard at 12 am on a Friday.

*******

Connor never knew how haunting memories could really be until he did it all over again. He never knew how damaging words were or how terrifying a simple thought could be.

Connor had run away from home before. He knew how to handle himself. His parents always found him, at first. Even when they stopped looking, he always planned on coming back. But now that he had no refuge, no safety, Connor had the most crushing realization. He had absolutely nothing left.

Evan didn't love him; Evan couldn't love him. It was almost in a peaceful way that Connor realized that all the odds were against him.

Connor hadn't cried, nor had he gotten angry. When Larry hit him, he felt no remorse for the family that he single handedly ripped apart.

Standing next to the tree Connor and Evan had climbed, the day Evan broke his arm, so long ago, Connor held the bottle of pills and held out hope that Zoe would go to his funeral and shed a tear or two. He hoped that maybe Evan could find a way to move on.

Connor downed the pills.

*******

Evan checked his phone for text messages. Usually Connor replied right away if he mentioned anxiety. Connor usually responded immediately no matter what it was. He walked down the path, trying to clear his mind of any thoughts about things that might have happened to Connor that were... less desirable.

Evan knew he was near the same spot he let go of the tree branch, the same spot he gave Connor the rings. He had it on his finger. He twisted it on his finger when he had anxiety like he did at that time.

He spotted, against a tree, a person, sitting down. They looked like they were asleep. Evan walked closer to the tree. Connor. "C-Connor?" he said, standing over his boyfriend's body. He was breathing, even if the breaths were few and far between.

"Connor, Connor, wake up, wake up!" he said, speaking quickly and frantically shaking him. "Connor!" He laid his head on Connor's chest in one less panicked effort to... to be happy. "Please?" he said, wishing as hard as he could.

Of course, hope doesn't do much in the real world, does it? Evan fumbled with his phone, barely able to keep his eyes off of his dead – no, unconscious – boyfriend.

He called 911, because what else could he do? He called Zoe, too, once he got off the phone with the 911 operator. She didn't answer, so he left a message. "Zoe, Connor's... he tried to... to kill himself." He ended the voicemail as he started to cry.

Evan liked trees. In the early morning hours, when he needed to get away from his house? He loved them. Something, anything to get him away from his anxiety immediately became his favorite thing in the world. That's why he was at the orchard at 12 am on a Friday.

*******

Connor never knew how haunting memories could really be until he did it all over again. He never knew how damaging words were or how terrifying a simple thought could be.

Connor had run away from home before. He knew how to handle himself. His parents always found him, at first. Even when they stopped looking, he always planned on coming back. But now that he had no refuge, no safety, Connor had the most crushing realization. He had absolutely nothing left.

Evan didn't love him; Evan couldn't love him. It was almost in a peaceful way that Connor realized that all the odds were against him.

Connor hadn't cried, nor had he gotten angry. When Larry hit him, he felt no remorse for the family that he single handedly ripped apart.

Standing next to the tree Connor and Evan had climbed, the day Evan broke his arm, so long ago, Connor held the bottle of pills and held out hope that Zoe would go to his funeral and shed a tear or two. He hoped that maybe Evan could find a way to move on.

Connor downed the pills.

*******

Evan checked his phone for text messages. Usually Connor replied right away if he mentioned anxiety. Connor usually responded immediately no matter what it was. He walked down the path, trying to clear his mind of any thoughts about things that might have happened to Connor that were... less desirable.

Evan knew he was near the same spot he let go of the tree branch, the same spot he gave Connor the rings. He had it on his finger. He twisted it on his finger when he had anxiety like he did at that time.

He spotted, against a tree, a person, sitting down. They looked like they were asleep. Evan walked closer to the tree. Connor. "C-Connor?" he said, standing over his boyfriend's body. He was breathing, even if the breaths were few and far between.

"Connor, Connor, wake up, wake up!" he said, speaking quickly and frantically shaking him. "Connor!" He laid his head on Connor's chest in one less panicked effort to... to be happy. "Please?" he said, wishing as hard as he could.

Of course, hope doesn't do much in the real world, does it? Evan fumbled with his phone, barely able to keep his eyes off of his dead – no, unconscious – boyfriend.

He called 911, because what else could he do? He called Zoe, too, once he got off the phone with the 911 operator. She didn't answer, so he left a message. "Zoe, Connor's... he tried to... to kill himself." He ended the voicemail as he started to cry.


	19. Chapter 19

Zoe chose to ignore her father's attempts to explain himself. She sort of stayed in her bedroom, half heartedly playing guitar. She woke from a nap – that was another thing she had done – and found a voicemail from Evan. Why the hell would Connor's boyfriend call him? She assumed they would both be angry at her by now, unless Evan hadn't heard yet. But if Evan didn't know, where had Connor gone?

Zoe found herself worried about her brother and she listened to the voicemail. "Zoe, Connor's... he tried to... to kill himself." There was sobbing at the end as the voicemail ended. She was speechless.

She figured she'd at least tell her parents, just in case they had a change of heart. Cynthia grabbed Larry's arm and pleaded with her eyes, but he only sighed and looked back to his newspaper.

"Aren't you gonna say something?" Zoe shouted. "You know what? Nevermind. I'm gonna go see him."

Larry stood. "No, you aren't." He grabbed her arm.

"He's my brother, whether you like it or not!" She tried to leave, but he pulled her back.

"I'm your father, and I will not have you leaving this house!"

"Not a very good one, are you if you kick out your son because he found someone he loves?" Larry let go of her.

"I raise _my _children the way I want to." Cynthia sat on the couch looking helpless.

'Sorry,' Zoe mouthed to her mother before she left.

*******

Evan looked completely crushed, holding Connor's unconscious hand. The heart rate monitor beeped every few moments. The scene made Zoe's heart feel like it was broken in two.

"Is he... okay?" Zoe said after walking into the room.

Evan looked up and shook his head. "They won't say."

"That never means anything good and you know it."

"Y-yeah."

"Sorry I'm being blunt. It's just... Larry was being an ass." Evan's eyes showed a look of realization, but it passed as quickly as it came.

"D-did he hurt you?"

Zoe moved her hand to her arm. It did hurt, but it was probably just a bruise at most. "I'm fine. But if he did that to me for wanting to see Connor, I'm scared of what he did to Connor. Especially to make him want to...." She trailed off, letting the unspoken word hang in the air.

"Yeah. That's what I'm most scared of," Evan said, focusing his eyes on Connor once more. He was pale, or at least paler than usual, and if she didn't know better, she would declare him dead. "The doctors wouldn't even tell me his chances."

"Do you think that means he'll... y'know?" Zoe asked.

"I'm trying not to think about it. He kept me... I love him." Zoe raised an eyebrow at his unfinished sentence, but she didn't pry. "I-I'm sorry, do you want to be alone? H-he's your brother, after all." Zoe shook her head. Evan's presence was the only thing stopping her from tears flowing. Evan himself looked like he had cried until he didn't have any tears left.

"Are you okay?" Zoe asked.

"I'm fi- I guess I'm not, am I?" Zoe gave him a sympathetic look.

"I think the only person who could be happy now is Larry."

"W-what about your, um, mom?"

"I'm sure she'll stop by later. She doesn't agree with any of this. Larry is... he's going crazy. I don't know why. He's never talked like this before." Zoe sighed. "Whatever. He's a shit dad anyways. I have a feeling Connor would've moved out already if he wasn't 17."

"What about you?"

"What _about _me?" Zoe repeated, moving from the wall to a seat by Connor's side, across from Evan.

"What do you think about your dad... your parents?"

"My _mom _isn't the problem. Like I said, Larry is an ass." She shrugged, like it was no big deal to have a dad who kicked kids out of the house for being gay.

"B-but aren't you and Alana a thing?"

"Whatever. My dad can either have two gay kids or no kids at all. His fucking choice." Evan smiled a little. "So when did you find him?"

"O-oh. Like midnight."

"He's been out for nine hours?"

"He has?" Zoe laughed a little. "W-what?"

"That explains the bags under your eyes. What was the excuse you gave your mom?"

"The truth?"

"Really?" Zoe found that hard to believe.

"I said he was in a fight and the other guy had a gun... she's already scared that I'm dating someone who attempted suicide once."

"What if she comes here to check on you?" Zoe asked.

Evan shrugged. "She gets the truth."

"Hm." Both of them just looked at Connor, picking up their phones to update Jared and Alana, respectively.

There was a knock on the door, but the person didn't wait for permission to come in. Zoe didn't look up until she heard Evan's mother's voice. "Evan, sweetie, are you okay? Is Connor? I thought you said he was...? You didn't tell the truth about why he was here, did you?" She had a lot of questions. Zoe looked to Evan to see his answer, but he just opened and closed his mouth a few times. Apparently his plan was good in theory, but not too great in practice.

"Ms. Hansen," Zoe said, knowing that Evan wasn't going to provide an answer.

"Heidi."

"_Heidi_, Evan was a little worried about your reaction to what actually happened. Connor sort of... tried to kill himself. Again." Evan sent Zoe a grateful smile, but Heidi's face fell.

"Evan, sweetie, you could have told me that." She regained her bright composure. Well, as bright as she could be considering the circumstances. Evan bit his lip. "Evan?"

Silence.

"Ev, what's wrong?"

"So did I," Evan mumbled.

"What was that?" Heidi asked, face falling again. She obviously heard him.

"I should step out," Zoe said standing up. Nobody said anything, so she left the room, feeling considerably sadder than she had before.


	20. Chapter 20

"Heidi, Evan was a little worried about your reaction to what actually happened. Connor sort of... tried to kill himself. Again." Evan sent Zoe a grateful smile, but Heidi's face fell.

"Evan, sweetie, you could have told me that." She regained her bright composure. Evan bit his lip. "Evan?"

Silence.

"Ev, what's wrong?"

"So did I," Evan mumbled.

"What was that?" Heidi asked, face falling again. She obviously heard him.

"I should step out," Zoe said standing up. She left the room.

"I tried to kill myself too," Evan said, still not looking away from Connor.

"Ev... you know I'm always here for you."

"I know."

"Why... why did you do it?" Evan looked into her eyes. She wasn't sad or angry. She just looked scared.

"I couldn't find another foothold." Evan took a deep breath.

"So you let go? That's... that's how you broke your arm?"

"Let me finish. I just... you care so much about me."

"Of course I do, I'm your mother!" Evan flinched when she raised her voice. He closed his eyes and continued.

"But you could've had a whole amazing life. And I came along, and I ruined it." Evan looked up at her. "You found the love of your fucking life!"

Heidi gasped a little, but said nothing. "But then he left, and it is all because of me, isn't it? He left because of me! And now... and now all you do is work so that I can have a good life, Mom, I want you to have a good life." He looked back down at Connor. "And now... now I might lose Connor too."

"It's not your fault that Connor is dead." Evan put his hand in his pocket.

"He said it himself." He pulled out a piece of paper. "If it wasn't my fault, why does this say it was?"

A suicide note. "Dear Evan Hansen, I'm sorry you didn't love me. Now you can... you can..." He couldn't bring himself to read any further without crying.

Heidi provided just what he needed: A Mom Hug (TM)


	21. Chapter 21

Evan had been at Connor's side whenever he could. He mostly just sat there, giving Jared occasional updates. Jared didn't care much about Connor, but if Connor stayed in this state for much longer, Evan would suffer. As much as he hated to admit it, Jared didn't exactly have other friends.

After school Evan went to the hospital, often times staying overnight. It went on for three days. Then a week. By the time two weeks had passed and nothing had changed, there was discussion of death. Cynthia visited too, as well as Zoe.

It wasn't until Connor had been unconscious for two weeks and three days that Larry stopped by. Evan walked into the hospital room, and there he was, sitting by Connor's side like nothing had happened.

"Oh, Evan." Evan stayed in the doorway, mumbling a hello. "I should be leaving now anyway." Larry stood up and Evan found his courage.

"Don't you feel bad?" Evan watched the older man stop in his tracks. "This is all... this never would have happened if you were a good dad."

"Well none of this is my fault, Connor is the one who overdosed."

"They haven't even told you?" Evan walked across the room, picking up a paper from Connor's bedside table. "Just... read it."

"I feel guilty enough, I won't let you humiliate me." Larry turned to leave.

"You've already done that yourself," Evan said quietly.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Evan stayed quiet as Larry's tone increased in threat level. "I thought so."

***** **

Now, two days later. Evan, Cynthia, and Zoe were all there, holding out hope, sort of just staring at anything and everything they could, never gazing at Connor for more than a few seconds. It was unsettling. Evan remembered the days when he would have been thrilled to have _Zoe Murphy _sitting next to him. Now it was just an everyday occurrence.

Evan forced himself to look at Connor. His beautiful eyes were darting back and forth between people, and he looked....Wait.

His eyes.

They were open.

He was awake.

"Connor," Evan breathed. Zoe and Cynthia turned to look at Evan's face, pure shock and joy. They looked at Connor and all three started to talk at once.

*******

Connor had a headache. He was in a bright room. The memories came flooding back. His dad. Passing out in the orchard. There were people around him, he heard them breathing.

Connor forced himself to open his eyes. The room had a lot of drab, white, furniture. On his left side was Zoe and Evan, and to the right was his mother. None of them was looking directly at him. Zoe was on her phone, his mother stared at the door, probably lost in thought, and Evan had his eyes closed.

Connor looked between them. Of course his dad wasn't there, it would be stupid to expect. He wondered why his mother was with him though. He thought maybe they had finally gotten a divorce, but he had no time to ponder. He heard Evan say his name.

They had finally noticed he was awake. Connor was still sort of disoriented, but they all started talking over each other. "Ev," Connor said, barely able to get words out. He supposed not having water for... however long it had been would do that to a guy.

The three of them went quiet. "Connor," Evan said again. "Y-you... I'm sorry, are you... okay?" Connor opened his mouth to speak but said nothing. For one, he didn't really know if he was okay. Besides, he couldn't get any more words out in his state. With his family – or at least the people that he cared about – surrounding him, Connor felt, for the first time in a long time, safe.


	22. the last chapter lolol

Connor really never thought he would live to high school graduation.

But hey, there he was, with Evan, Jared, Alana, and Zoe, and 4 out of the 5 had graduated. Zoe of course, had only finished junior year of high school, but she still was a pretty crucial part of the group as Alana's girlfriend.

Connor still laughed at the irony that his parents had a gay son and a pansexual daughter. At least one of their kids likes girls.

In the months that had passed, Connor had made up with his dad, at least for the most part. He was accepted as his son again, and that was something, although their relationship had always been rocky.

Jared was still single. He liked it that way, though. Their little group was more than enough for him, especially once he and Connor had reached a peace.

Life was good. Life was great. And Connor had plans. Maybe it was too soon, but it just felt right.

*******

They celebrated at A La Mode the day after graduation. Their parents, of course, had insisted that they stay home for a while to live their best high school graduate lives and have existential crises. But tonight, they were determined to have fun.

The whole group, aside from Evan, kept glancing at Connor, Jared especially making suggestive facial expressions every time. They knew about his plan. Evan was just confused, but he had ice cream and friends, so he took no note of it. Jared was just being Jared, like always.

They went to the orchard after getting ice cream. There were so many memories there, both good and bad. Connor figured it was only reasonable. "I bet Connor is excited for this," Jared said. He put a hand over his mouth.

"Jared, no!" Zoe said, laughing.

"Shut up!" Connor shouted.

"W-what's going on?" Evan asked, looking between all of them. Jared looked guilty, Alana and Zoe were holding back laughter, and Connor just looked nervous.

"I was... I was going to wait, but... but I guess now is as good a time as any, isn't it?" Connor said, stumbling over his words. Jared shot him an encouraging smile.

"Awww, let me get my phone!" Zoe said, letting go of Alana's hand and getting her phone's camera out.

"Quit it, Zoe," Connor said. He was laughing a little now too. "I was planning on doing this in a more romantic spot, not beside a random lamppost, but Jared _had _to say something."

"Don't blame me, you trusted me with your secret." Jared was smiling anyways. It seemed like all of them were, except for the confused Evan.

"What's going on?" Evan asked again. Nobody responded.

"Hurry up, Connor, my battery is almost dead."

"Can you guys shut the fuck up? This is kind of a monumental occasion in my life, you know?" Connor said, turning to the three of them. Jared looked like he was about to start jumping up and down with his excitement.

"Connor, what the heck are you doing?" Evan asked for the third time.

Connor turned back to Evan and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Sorry, M- Hansen. Hansen is what I meant to say." Evan bit his lip. "I've loved you for like... forever, it feels like, and-and you know that. And this is by no means a rush to do anything, it can happen in a year, or I can wait for 20. But I've wanted to do this since we started dating and since we're adults and we're out of high school I feel like it'd be a good time."

"Calm down," Evan said, still a little confused.

"Evan, I love you. A lot." Evan noticed that Zoe was recording. That gave him another clue. He tried not to hope for it. He didn't want to be disappointed. "And I know that you know that, or I at least hope you do. I know I'm not perfect, but is anybody? Heh. I didn't exactly prepare a speech, I'm just rambling, fuck me."

"Evan can do that later!" Jared said from behind Connor. Alana elbowed him. "Sorry."

"A-anyways." Connor got down on a knee and put a hand in his pocket.

Everything clicked in Evan's mind. "Connor... Connor, oh my god." He felt tears in his eyes.

"God knows I need a cute little TreeBoy in my life, so here goes everything. Will you marry me, Evan?" Evan nodded, too happy to say anything without inevitably crying.

"Don't cry," Connor said laughing and standing up. "Damn getting on one knee like that really fucking hurts." Evan was crying, happily of course. Connor hugged his boyfriend – no, fiancée. "You're so fucking gorgeous, Ev."

"Oh my fucking god, Evan gets to be my brother," Zoe said. Both boys kind of forgot about the others.

"Brother-in-law," Alana corrected.

"Jealous," Jared said. "Why can't I be part of the fam?"

"Jared gets to be an honorary family member!" Evan said, wiping off tears.

"Yes!"

"Oh my god," Connor said.

"I got all of Evan's crying on camera, too!" Zoe said.

"Wha – Zoe!" There was laughter from all of them. Evan suddenly looked away from the group. "Hey, guys." Everyone focused on him. "Wanna go climb a tree?"

**The End**


End file.
